i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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