the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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