the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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