The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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