Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
