You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I have aggressive nipples.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
