I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
