Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
