my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
