The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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