I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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