our cab driver is having phone sex.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
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M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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