I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
