He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
