I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
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don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
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So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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