I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
