I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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