whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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