Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
