i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
