I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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