I hate all girls vehemently.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
