True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
