Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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