So drunk, too bad you don't want this
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Hippo gnu deer
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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