there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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