I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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