If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
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I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
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I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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