my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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