Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
