Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
