I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
