I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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