He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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