This is not my ceiling
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
