They should really pass out barf bags in church
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Randomize
