I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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