did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
