I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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