so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
