Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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