my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
