Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
