apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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