hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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