you traded sex for a burrito?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
