i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
