he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
