I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
