I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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