I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Randomize
