I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
