Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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