Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
He passed out mid-signature
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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