I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
